as midnight rolled around on new year's eve, i told myself that this year would be different. i told myself that twenty would be the year everything changed. watching anna and hailey kiss each other through their sugar induced craziness and feeling amelia kick me, reminding me that i would never be alone again... i just
knew. however, falling back into old habits is one of the easiest mistakes to make. it's no wonder that news years resolutions don't stick easy and that is because changes, genuine changes, are hard to make regardless of what time of year they are made in. succumbing to the stress and misery that has ruled the last nineteen years of my existence has left me unimpressed with me; although marilon assures me that i am just being too hard on myself, as always. aren't we all our own worst critics?
i have been making the drive from san diego to los angeles and back too often in the last week. i never thought i would say this, but i am tired of being in the car. driving is something that used to be meditative for me, it used to be relaxing. with the wiggle-bun in my metaphorical oven and the constant demands of "wheels on the bus
again!" that have invaded my thinking time, driving has become just another chore in life. it doesn't help that i cannot even climb in and out of my jeep without some form of assistance anymore, which limits me to the soccer mom suv. at least the suv gets better gas mileage. having anna in the car and not following her usual schedule has been making her very difficult to deal with. she's been more prone to tantrums and her stimming is worse in the car than anywhere else i've been able to notice it. i just wosh there was something that i could do about it.
on a lighter note, the
nursery has been completed! katherine, my surrogate mother, took several days off of work to help me put the finishing touches on everything. i don't know where i would be without her strength and guidence at this moment, even as i find myself wishing that my own mother were here for this. it's a feeling that cannot be helped despite all of the reasons to cast it aside. if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, and if wishes were fishes, the whole world would feast. the support i lack from my biological family, i have a million times over in the family that counts. the family that has loved and supported me unconditionally for the last two years and accepted me as i am, my faults and my flaws, my strenghths and my weaknesses. i truly believe that i would not have the strength to carry on from this point if it weren't for them.
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